My bestest friend and I have this thing:
"If there isn't a picture than it didn't happen"
We can look back through our 26ish years of knowing each other and put all events with specific pictures. I became more of a photo nut than she did but just about every trip and/or adventure or milestone in my adult years is documented by some kind of picture. (Except the deaths... we don't take pictures of those)
So after my Mom's burial and the dirt was placed on top, my bestest friend came up to me and whispered just what I needed to hear at that exact moment:
"There isn't a picture so it didn't happen"
It made me laugh and cry but was just what I needed to hear. Which is what my bestest friend is good at. Always saying the right things at the right time.
In my head it was just a perfect ending. Yes my mom was gone but without a picture I didn't have to remember the sadness, her pain, or the saying goodbye. Those simple words made me focus on what I do have pictures of and all the good memories. In my silly head and silly rationalizing, the rest didn't happen.
Of course I knew the rest happened but something about not having a picture of that part gave me closure. End to an era. When I get caught up with my albums, hers will end with our last visit. No more pictures with NeeNee in them. Closure!! All is good!
Fast forward 40+ days:
My hubs decided to take a mountain adventure. Kudos to him for adventuring all alone, however he came home to show me the pictures. As I was scrolling through the pictures on his phone, I saw something, that made me pause... A big plot of dirt in the middle of a bunch of snow.
I thought "That looks like my Mom's grave".... Once my eyes focused with disbelief, I questioned...WHY DOES HE HAVE A PICTURE OF HER GRAVE???
I looked up and asked him, "WHY IS THERE A PICTURE?"
He says... "Because you always need at least one picture of everything, and I thought you would want one of the snowman next to her grave"
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! But it didn't happen... I don't want a picture, there should NOT have been a picture... Not a picture of THAT. The album STOPS at our last visit. The happy visit.....
AND something clicked, the waterworks clicked... the pain in my chest, the ache in my heart... the reality that it HAPPENED!!
Not the death part... that part I get... I'm cool with... The death part was easy compared to her suffering... I get that she is no longer living... But the events of that day, that week... the ones that I don't want to remember, the ones that I'm totally OK with not having pictures of.
All of a sudden there is a picture which means it happened, I wanted to throw the phone across the room. I wanted to reach my hand in, take the picture out and somehow reverse it. Not delete it.. that wouldn't do enough. I didn't say a word and the hubs just kind of looked at me, took his phone back and walked away.
It was the silliest little thing that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, but it sure did trigger some waterworks.
I guess it really did happen... Dang it!